Not So Soft

Another redirect

2007-01-28T19:41:00.000-08:00

This one I hope will be final. I love LJ's custom filters, so I'm going to be posting over here from now on. Hopefully this will mean more posts since I'm not going to agonize over each post, trying to be careful about my words.

Wanna be in my school project? Bonus: Driving a brand new Passat!

2006-11-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

This quarter I'm taking a usability class and I need test participants! We are testing the usability of controls on a 2007 VW Passat. If we can use you for our project, you'd get to drive a brand spankin' new Passat! Basically, we are looking for someone who already has some (5 hours or more) experience driving VWs that were made 1990 or later. The questions below are the screening questions I'll be asking when I do the offical screener.

- Do you have a valid driver's license and proof of insurance?

- Have you driven a late model (1990 or newer) Volkswagen? (If so, how many hours approximately have you driven it and how recently was it?)

- Do you have any experience using steering wheel controls (on any car) to adjust the car's stereo system?

- How much driving experience do you have?

- Do you regularly listen to a variety of music and/or other types audio entertainment while driving?

Let me know if you can help out, it will be a fun project to be a part of! The time commitment is about 2 hours, and the test will most likely be held on Saturday 11/18 if that works for our participants.

Friday the 13th, baby.

2006-10-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

Friday the 13th, baby.
Originally uploaded by arielmeow.

The Organizer of My Dreams

2006-10-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

WOW. I just signed up for a beta account. I hope they make it for Mac someday.

Mein Fuß hat grossen Schmerz, and Mars Hill Part 2

2006-09-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Remember high school, when you were first learning a foreign language, and you knew just enough to make bad sentences? “Mein Fuß hat grossen Schmerz” was my friend Phil’s very, very bad German for “my foot has a big hurt” when we were 15. For some reason I remember it.

Anyway, since my last post I sprained and bruised my foot badly during a random walking accident. Oh yes, I’m injured because I’m a klutz. I’m finally in a manageable amount of pain and can write again.

So. Mars Hill.

First I’d like to relate how scared I was to go. When the idea was originally floated I hadn’t yet read the Salon article. I was expecting the same brand of evangelical Christianity I’d experienced in high school and college (In my quest to broaden my horizons and gather information firsthand before judging, I periodically attended services and bible studies with born-again friends). It was mild stuff. Sure, they were really zealous about getting me to accept Jesus as my personal savior, but most of what they believed was palatable. When I distilled it down to core concepts, it was a basically harmless and fairly decent moral code. But after I read the Salon article about Mars Hill I realized that this church is not just a fundamentalist church - it’s a cult (Charismatic leader with all the power? Check. Financial and familial isolation? Check.) I was very frightened, and I’m not entirely sure why. All I know is that I felt exactly like I did when I was 17 and took a wrong exit and landed in a creepy, dark part of Philadelphia and couldn’t find my way back to the freeway and had to ask a very cracked out prostitute for directions.

Each of us had our reasons to be afraid, but we overcame them. We walked arm in arm up the to front door, went in, and sat down. Despite my fear I tried really really hard to bring my characteristic openness to the experience. At first I listened carefully to find places where I could, at least conceptually, jive with what Pastor Mark was saying. He mispronounced a few words and his logic made no sense to me, so I was unimpressed from the get go, but while he was going on about the rules for a church service I did a pretty good job of staying neutral. I saw no real harm in turning to the bible for guidance on how to maintain order in a growing community, even if the stories there applied to life many hundreds of years ago. Even though I wasn't yet appalled, I was keenly aware of a weird vibe from the audience, something I felt myself. It was as if we were children who had done something very bad. Obedience was clearly being reinforced here.

The pastor says that he’s simply the messenger, teaching the bible exactly as it is written – but he’s actually a leader whose explanations of the text prescribe a moral code that goes well beyond anything the bible has to say, and this is where I moved from being unimpressed to being completely shocked. Like Ariel, I’m pretty sure I looked like a fish throughout the latter half of the service, my mouth was open so wide. Sure he defamed feminism, and that is bad enough, but the way he did it was what made me truly livid. It was through his characterization of women as frivolous, chatty creatures that he justified their second-class role within the church and within the family. The way Mark Driscoll talks about women, we are not the brightest bulbs, but we’re awfully cute and we are necessary as mothers, so men should put up with us gratefully. Apparently we can’t figure out problems for ourselves, either. As a woman, if I have a question, I should be taking it to my husband. Pastor Mark described a scene in his own home in which he and his wife were talking about scripture, and he seemed to think had to draw her a diagram to explain it. The tone in his voice was the same as I would expect if he were relating a story of how he taught a second-grader how to do multiplication.

The one good thing I think Pastor Mark did is to exhort the men in the congregation to take responsibility for their lives to stop holding on to being children forever and freeloading off of successful women. This seems timely to me. I have definitely noticed a trend among men in my generation to avoid growing up and taking charge of their lives for as long as possible. This can mean remaining in a state of teenagerhood indefinitely, or entering into a relationship with a responsible partner who will make up for their lack of motivation. As a (mostly) straight adult woman, it's been rather disappointing to date within this pool, so when Pastor Mark gave the direction men in his flock to step up and be adults, I really appreciated it. Unfortunately, it was wrapped up in macho dominance and the idea that the man is closer to God than the woman. To me, stepping up means being a whole and complete human being who brings his consciousness and integrity to the table, in his work and in his relationships. Unfortunately, the Mars Hill message did not make this differentiation. I suppose what Pastor Mark is saying speaks to the men in his congregation, but it made me sad. The one good thing I could find in the sermon was dressed in the ugly clothes of dominance and oppression.

This is my experience of Mars Hill Church. I'm glad we went; our trip helped me humanize the scary "other", but it also reminded me how susceptible people are to power and pretty shiny things and someone else to do the hard work of critical self-awareness.

Mars Hill Part 1

2006-09-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been interested in religion, at least from an academic standpoint. I was raised in an atheist household. My parents valued logic, proof, and the power of intellectual inquiry, and I was taught to question anything dogmatic in nature. Even though they had clearly defined for themselves that there is no such thing as a god, and science explains the entirety of our life experience, my parents encouraged me to experience things for myself and to draw my own conclusions. They totally rocked this part of my upbringing.

In about the third grade I became curious about religion, and so my parents allowed me to go to church with friends’ families. I made one ill-fated trip to a fire-and-brimstone Southern Baptist church with my neighbor Sydney. The preacher bellowed and huffed and scared me so badly that I was in tears during the service. Most likely in response to that horrific experience, my parents took me several times to an Episcopalian church that was much more serene, and I even did a round of Sunday School there. I was very young, but even then I just couldn’t buy into the whole thing. I didn’t understand why I was supposed to love a dead person, or sing reverent songs about someone I didn’t know.

Not buying into the whole thing followed me throughout the rest of my life as I lived within and Islamic culture (Saudi Arabia) and, in high school, struggled with how to handle pressure from friends who were recruited into youth groups and other church communities with varying levels of fundamentalism. One particularly poignant experience was when my closest friend Lori, who had recently been “saved,” broke down crying with fear that if I didn’t get saved myself, I would go to hell. If I remember correctly, this was in response to me bringing wine coolers to a beach gathering – even though two weeks prior, I’m pretty sure it was Lori who had been the one toting the alcohol down the long winding path so we could all get drunk.

Needless to say my early life experiences led to quite a bit of though on the subject of religion, and especially about how all of these people I loved – the scientists, the yelling Baptists, the fervent Muslims, the born-again Protestants – experienced their faith. I clearly didn’t fit in with any of them, but I needed to understand them. What it came down to for me was that these were all wonderful human beings with widely varying belief systems that ultimately all came down to a deep human need to explain the world. I could offer my love and acceptance to people from all faiths if I could translate their dogma into the core elements I saw underlying all religions, such as a sense that we’re all connected.

Mars Hill kind of jostled that general acceptance of all religions. I got a little long winded and it’s late so I must close with this cliffhanger: Mars Hill seriously pissed me off. Stay tuned.

Mars Hill Field Trip: Still Reeling

2006-09-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night I went on a field trip with my friends Ariel and Dawn to Mars Hill Church, a "hipster fundamentalist church" in Ballard.

Wow. It was intense, and I'm still reeling from the experience. Thank the god(dess)(es) I had A & D with me. I am writing up my reaction and will post it soon, but in the meantime, do check out Ariel's and Dawn's writeups!

Me at the IA Institute

2006-09-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Me at the IA Institute
Originally uploaded by arielmeow.

Discovery: I Like Mornings!

2006-09-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

I've always had a hard time getting up in the morning, so I thought I was just not a morning person. I've wanted to be a morning person, but I get to bed later than I should, end up short on sleep hours, and wake up feeling tired. If I'm tired upon waking, i.e., at the part of my day I should feel most refreshed, it doesn't bode well. I'm a mess when I'm tired! I get cranky, ineffectual, unproductive, pissy... Needless to say, waking up has some negative experience imprinted on it.

I've been on a healthy kick lately, though, and have committed to getting in a yoga class three times a week. Since I'm in the IA Institute all day and night this week, that means doing an early morning class. So, this morning I woke up at 5:00 to finish some reading, shower, and made a 7:00 yoga class. After that I ate a super healthy breakfast with fresh fruit and had tea instead of coffee, and lo and behold, here I am 4 hours later feeling GREAT, on only 5 hours of sleep. Amazing! This is a positive imprint, and I'm hoping it reinforces sticking to the healthy path, because functioning this well on so little sleep would be a huge boon for making it through my last year of grad school. And being more pleasant to others for those 6 months.

Repost of something from work

2006-08-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

Updated: I originally reposted the text of an entry I wrote about the nascent stages of my process in redesigning the my company's website, but instead I'm just going to direct you to the post on our company blog. Why? Well, One, it's a work post and belongs on my work blog. The beauty of the internet is that we don't need to republish, we can LINK to things! And two, my company's blog is neat and you should go there and check it out.

Hypertext Gardens

2006-08-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve always had a bit of an inner struggle with the Don’t Make Me Think (DMMT) model of website usability. I love the idea of clean, clear, and simple. I cheer arguments for consistency and “sensical” organizational structures and the idea that information is most accessible when it takes the form users want. I am attracted to order so much that I navigate my life as if it plays out in an outline format. This is my big voice.

But there has always been this little voice inside me that has a problem with the DMMT model. I’m not saying that all usability work necessarily points us toward mediocrity, but there is a significant implication that the lowest common denominator (LCD) is king in what gurus like Krug and Nielsen preach. I mean, look at Nielsen’s website. Even so, I’ve been on pretty staunchly their side for a long time.

Hypertext Gardens significantly widened the crack in my almost complete acceptance of LCD/DMMT design. Here is what prompted my awakening: “...in a hypertext, as in a garden, it is the artful combination of regularity and irregularity that awakens interest and maintains attention.” And on another page, “This crafted irregularity engages our senses by offering the promise of the unexpected without the threat of the wilderness.” Yum. These statements spoke directly to my little voice and validated it even while my big voice was grumbling about wading through the links without a navigation bar. What Bernstein offers here is the possibility that good design could be a glorious interplay between structure and creativity. I like it.

Redirect

2006-01-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

I seem to be blogging over here lately. Probably because I can post a bunch of randomness without worrying that my posts are eloquent, or even relevant for that matter (It's myspace, land of slutty pictures and mind-numbing bulletin posts! Random crap is the norm!) I also feel more comfortable blogging there knowing I can set some restrictions on who gets to see what.

It works if you work it

2006-01-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Borrowing an AA term to describe relationships. Other AA terms I'm channeling right now are willingness and serenity. Especially serenity.

God(dess), grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

Happy Winter Solstice

2005-12-21T16:09:00.000-08:00

From here on out, the days get longer. Welcome, solstice!

Smokeless Winter Sun

2005-12-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

I love winter sun in Seattle. It's poignant right now. My grandmother is dying.

On a lighter note (no pun intended), today is the day Seattle goes smoke free and I can go out and see music again without fear of caving in to smoking becuase I'm breathing it anyway. Vive la quit.

Out of Range

2005-12-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

The next two weeks are going to be really intense with getting my final projects done, so those who have sent me emails or left voice mails and are waiting for replies: I promise I'll be in touch as soon as I can, most likely after next weekend when, hopefully, I'll be done with the bulk of my work.

Wish me luck!

You Set the Fire In Me, C.C.

2005-11-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

I just spent several days of this long holiday weekend doing nothing but things that please me. I haven't completely shirked my responsibilities, but the ratio of fucking off to taking care of business has definitely been much higer on the fucking off side than normal.

I think I may have needed it, though I'm not sure I'm the best authority on what I need these days. Balance is ever elusive. I wonder if I'm going to have to go through this long and painful negotiation with my demons (perfectionism, extremism, fear, etc.) every time I start something new?

For now, a weekend of giving thanks with friends and family, snuggling, movies, more eating, picking Jessica up from the airport, more snuggling, yoga, and naps has done me right.

Separated at Birth?

2005-11-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

My cat, Zena, doing her best "Afghan Girl".

Thanksgiving 2005

2005-11-26T14:57:00.000-08:00

This picture doesn't show you the amazing feast we had, nor the group of fabulous people who were there, but it does show you a view of why I had a very very good one: Everyone was relaxing, cooking, reading, making music, talking, and enjoying 3 year old Ruby and this little munchkin, the Boots.

I Link Therefore I Am

2005-11-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

Because I'm tired and cranky and burnt to a little crisp, apparently I think I can get away with becoming a big fat linker stinker. That's what I call people who have blogs where they don't blog, they just link. So here's a link.

Who's been that girl?

NOT ME. Ever.

My Kind of Humor

2005-11-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

This is why I love the Dooce.

Seattlelove

2005-10-23T17:36:00.000-07:00

Today is how you think Seattle will be. My favorite word to describe this weather is overcast, because it's not just that the skies are grey: no, they are so thickly grey that you can't imagine there is blue sky beyond the greyness. Not clouds, greyness. There is no division between masses of evaporated water so you can't actually discern that this is, in fact, just a mass of evaporated water. You mistake it for the sky, and this sky seems lower, closer; and in fact it is. There isn't rain, but mist. In Seattle we truly walk inside clouds. I like it. It's like a blanket, it feels secure as you sit on your couch with a heating pad behind your aching back while page after page of theory threatens to disassemble your mind.

Yesterday it was blueskiedandclear (prize for anyone who gets that reference), an absolute stunner of a fall day, small wisps of clouds woven through here and there. In the previous weeks the changing weather gave us incredible, long, dramatic clouds and the air felt so weightless that I walked with Will and Boots through a field on Vashon thinking I was going to be lifted up off my feet by it.

The blanket will be the most prevalent cloudform for the next 6 months, this is what I am used to, this is my comfort. Sometimes in San Francisco I would feel that feeling you have when you are dreaming that you've gone to work or school and forgotten to put clothes on. I used to describe the sky there as atomic, though it's not a very good descriptor, there you have it. When the fog would come, people would ask if it reminded me of Seattle; you'd think it would, but it didn't. The fog fronts (they had a name for it there, I don't remember it) would roll in and cover the city, and it was beautiful. But it wasn't a complete blanket, it had edges that you could see.

As I write this the blanket is turning pink. The sun is setting. Time to get back to theory.

Grading is Hard

2005-10-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have a stack of papers to grade that are keeping me from pretty much everything. Grading is hard, but kinda fun too! I'll post more this weekend.

The Rhetorical Diarrhea Post

2005-10-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the awful title for this post, but it's apropos.

Today in my Information Design class we talked about structured writing (everything from using headings to Information Mapping™ to PowerPoint). It was amazing. But this post is going to be incredibly disorganized and will not incorporate any of what I wrapped my brain around today.

Too tired.

However, I do think I’m on the way to finding balance. Little negotiations. Learning that I can’t work effectively at night. Learning to make the most of those hours just after I wake up, when my brain is most nimble and my reading goes much faster... and good lord the stuff I’m reading is dense!

Morning reading is my favorite time. I prop myself up on my couch with my heating pad behind my back and a hat on my head. I laughed last night at the thought that I have a “thinking cap,” but it’s not really a thinking cap; it does have a less metaphysical function! It shields my eyes from the glare of my less-than-ideal overhead lighting setup. Many things in my life are less than ideal for studying, but I can’t focus on that. I just do. And when I do, I feel (is this wrong?) a semblance of arousal. It’s not sexual, but it’s definitely a visceral excitement. I’m so lucky to have found something that interests me so much.

I love that I’m getting to experience what it’s like to be so present and fulfilled. I’ve worked hard for it, but still... I never thought I’d feel this, well, high.

Speaking of natural highs, I’m struggling with how I can keep yoga in my life. I was working the front desk at my yoga studio 3 hours a week in exchange for an unlimited membership, but decided that had to go. I work my last shift next Tuesday, and hopefully that additional 3 hours of study time in my week will make the difference between continuing to fall behind and staying on top of things. Since I won't be able to take classes at my studio anymore (too expensive), I signed up for a yoga class at the IMA with the idea that I might actually make it since I don’t have the commute issue to grapple with. I went to my first session last night, and it’s so... gym like. No one is doing ujayyi breath. Girls are checking themselves out in the mirror. Everyone's doing it because it's trendy, with no attention to the meditative aspects. Oh well, at least it’s something, and I think I’ve been practicing long enough that I can tune that stuff out and get everything I can out of the practice.

I’m listening to some new (well, new to me) music, sent to me by my dear friend Ellen. The National. That’s the name of the band. I’d heard Secret Meeting on KEXP a while ago and it rocked my socks. Turns out the whole album is pretty stunning.

When did I turn into such and indie-head? I think it’s environmental. Seattle does love its rock n’ roll.

To bed with me. I'm useless this time of night.

Remember summer

2005-09-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

Teacher, I have to go potty, can I have a hall pass?

2005-09-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

I just wrote up my first lecture notes. On Wednesday, I will stand in front of 27 undergraduates and try to deliver my little lecture without fainting. I feel giddily subversive about that for some reason.

First Day of School

2005-09-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day at school. I haven't actually started classes or teaching yet, but I was on campus at a conference on teaching and learning for all TA's. So I was in classrooms, learning, being asked to think!, hearing about what my life as a graduate student is really going to be like.

You know how you can try to conceive of how something major and unknown will affect your life, but the reality is often vastly different?

I'm realizing that my life is about to shift drastically. Logically, I've known this. Today it just settled into my bones, gained shape, and came out in some clear ways:

Doing this is going to require prioritizing and focus, which is a scary prospect for me, but something I'm looking forward to very much. I have a tendency to be more comfortable handling 22 small things at once than tackling one big thing at a time. If I can successfully transition to life being about the most important things, I think I will have overcome one of my greatest life challenges.
I am going to have to move. I will be away from home a lot, not only on a daily basis but also for travel to conferences. Currently, because I live in an apartment building, I have to lock the cats inside if I'm going to be gone for more than a brief spell. That's not going to be sustainable. Unfortunately Zena, my (ex?) feral cat, doesn't do well with being cooped up and gets destructive in some, um, unpleasant ways. So, the search begins for a little cottage on a quiet street with some yard space and room for a cat door. If anyone has a lead on such a place, let me know.
I really forgot how to be a student. I forgot about little things, like how it's good to type up written notes so you can distill and review them. Like the fact that carrying a backpack instead of a purse (even if it's a man-purse) makes way more sense. Like the sheer terror of having to navigate all the various offices of this and that, and when to ride the bus, and when to drive, and if you drive how not to pay and arm and a leg for parking. And I forgot you have to have a notebook to write in! And pens! And highlighters! Oh boy, I love school supplies.

And in an ego-boosting sidenote, here it is day one and I've already been asked out, by a fellow TA and history PhD student. My mojo, she is back!

East Coast Pix

2005-09-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

What an incredible trip.

Eastward Bound

2005-09-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for the east coast tomorrow. It's my first trip back there in a couple of years, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to seeing old, old things, places that aren't clean and pristine, and places that have underground transit systems. And of course I'm dying to reconnect with my east coast loved ones, who seem so far away most days.

I'm excited to access that part of me that can function in an edgier milieu, and I'm sure a good dose of having to acclimate to places where people are direct and aggressive will bring out the strength to approach the new challenge ahead of me (school) with more vigor rather than the trepidation that seems to creep in daily.

And then, I'll be so happy to be back home, where things are clean and beautiful, and I don't have to live with that kind of angst all the time.

The itinerary:

Washington D.C.
Manhattan
Jersey City
Brooklyn
East Hampton

I can't wait.

Boots

2005-08-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

This is my little brother. I love this baby!

Livin' LOUD with CF

2005-08-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

A pretty amazing woman.

Central Cinema

2005-08-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I went to see one of my favorite movies of all time, I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka, at the Central Cinema. I'd never heard of this cinema, but did some research online and was extra pleased to learn that somehow unbeknownst to me, an independent theatre that served good food and good beer while you watch the film had finally opened in Seattle! You see, for most of the years I've lived here I've frequently heard laments like, "Seattle is so lame, why don't we have dinner theatres like in San Francisco, or even in that tiny little Portland?" But lo and behold, someone answered the call and built it. I was so very pleased, and when we decided to go to this movie I thought it would be a good idea to go early, since it was probably a pretty popular venue.

It was empty. On a Saturday night, there were no more than 3 couples and one group of four in attendance. Where were all those who said they'd be into something like this? The space is gorgeous: It's a classic Seattle brick building with a huge window at the front. The cinema itself is set up really well and has ingenious booths to hold food that's kick-ass and reasonably priced. I paid my $5 movie admission, ate a delicious calzone for $6, and swilled a $4 Hale's Cream Ale. Not only that, but the staff were fabulous. I don't understand why it was so empty, and it saddens me. Low attendance like that is going to put it out of business, even if the ownership has arts grants.

I've seen this happen in Seattle countless times. Everyone who knows me knows that my love for my city is HUGE, but one thing I adored about living in San Francisco is the all-out support people had for the arts. It makes a huge difference in a community's energy when people go out and actively participate, show some love and appreciation for things. The art-makers benefit, the venues that house them are more likely to book things when they know people will turn out, and the public gets to see cool shit. What is wrong with us here that we prefer to complain than actually support things we'd like to see?

So, to the three of you that read this, next time you're in the mood for dinner and a movie check out Central Cinema. And any of you who might want to repost this, please do. The roster of films seems to range from cultural or independent to nostalgia flicks. This weekend, they're showing a grunge redux double feature: Singles and HYPE!.

Love your city. Love your city's arts venues. Love your city's rock n'roll legacy. Go.

I Sit, Transported

2005-08-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I use the "Party Shuffle" feature in my iTunes. I hate the term "Party Shuffle", but I very often love the results. Others have commented on how it seems like Apple built a sixth sense into their music products, and many have had the experience of randomly being played a mix that is perfect for a given moment.

This morning was one of those. I woke up early and sat right down to work, and this is what my iTunes plays for me, first thing:

Bring on the Night/The Police
Da Da Dada/Broken Social Scene (this is a very ethereal version of Almost Crimes)
Tomorrow Wendy/Concrete Blonde

What a crazy mix... but it worked beautifully! And I sat, worked, completely transported by it. It was a wonderful way to start the day.

Welcome Back, Ani

2005-08-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

I resisted Ani Di Franco the way I resist everything I think is too revered or cultish. But eventually I had to listen, and once I got my attitude out of the way I grew to love her. This is when I was in college... go figure, I went to a historically all-female now co-ed liberal arts college. Anyway, when I fell in love, I fell hard. Ani carried me and so many women I knew through those times. She sang our anger, our sadness, and our joy with actue honesty.

And then she lost it. She lost her edge. It was as if a she'd been wrapped in blankets and swirled in her own orbit and no longer reached me. I could respect the work she was doing, but it wasn't for me.

I just bought what I think is her most recent album, Knuckle Down, and all I can say is welcome the fuck back, girl. Welcome back, and thank you for bringing it. I needed this today.

There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
Until not a ripple remains
I am high above the tree line
Sitting cross legged on the ground
When all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
That's when I'm gonna come down

Promises, Promises

2005-08-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

Well, after all that talk of *real* posts to come after my trip to Montana, it appears that I'm going to be working far too much in the next month to be thoughtful and put words together in the slow, deliberate way I like to. Dammit. Maybe once I switch from being a wage slave to being a grad student (and thus have my mission switch from chasing deadlines to being thoughtful, and producing work around those thoughts), this blog will become more lively. I just feel really stressed and not very tuned in these days, and who wants to read about stress and surface level statements about the mundanity of my daily life? Not me.

Montana Pix

2005-07-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

Montana pictures are up!

Montana-Bound

2005-07-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving on my first solo road trip to Montana tomorrow morning. I'm a little nervous and a lot excited. There's something incredibly freeing about hitting the road and leaving everything else you could be doing behind, because all you can do is drive. And then there's the beauty of traversing some of the most gorgeous terrain the Northwest has to offer, accompanied only by a carefully selected 6-CD soundtrack.

I'll be back in a week with pictures and tales to tell. Yes, actual posts, I promise! I've been kinda floaty for a bit, but I have a feeling this trip will cure me of that. And if somehow the trip doesn't do it, there's a work deadline and preparations for teaching coming due abruptly after my return which will require me to be fully present. All of which bodes well for actually having something to say.

My 4th

2005-07-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

Enjoying the view
Originally uploaded by arielmeow.

New Hair!

2005-06-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

New Hair
Originally uploaded by arielmeow.

Like a Maniac at the End of the Day

2005-06-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a long, long couple of weeks and I'd been looking forward to last night very much. My friend Sunny has an amazing voice and loves to Karaoke. Me, I don't have much range so I pretty much just embarass myself, but when did that ever stop me from doing anything? I almost feel more comfortable if I know that my cool factor will be zero.

So last night Sunny, Damien and I went to Karafuckinoke at Re-bar to blow off some steam. It was a blast. I did Karma Chameleon (poorly) but had the forethought to do that thing where you pull your shirt up and tuck it through its collar. I had to distract the audience from my singing somehow, and we all know skin sells. But the highlight of the evening had to be our little afterparty, in which we cued up Wham songs and sang them, loudly, while dancing around Damien's apartment.

Pictures will be posted soon, but in the meantime, take a trip down memory lane:

The Edge of Heaven - Wham

I would lock you up but I could not bear
To hear you screaming to be set free
I would chain you up if I'd thought you'd swear
The only one that mattered was me, me, me
I would strap you up, but don't worry baby
You know I wouldn't hurt you 'less you wanted me to
It's too late to stop, won't the heavens save me?
My daddy said the devil looks a lot like you

You take me to the edge of heaven
Tell me that my soul's forgiven
Hide your baby's eyes and we can...
You take me to the edge of heaven
One last time might be forever
When the passion dies -
It's just a matter of time before my heart is looking for a home

I'm like a maniac, at the end of the day
I'm like a doggie barking at your door
So come take me back to the place you stay
And maybe we can do it once more
You say I'm dangerous but don't worry baby
I get excited at the things that you do
And there's a place for us in a dirty movie
'Cos no one does it better than me and you

Walking Dead

2005-06-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

I.am.so.f'ing.tired.

Bad Fashion 1988

2005-06-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

Bad Fashion 1988
Originally uploaded by arielmeow.

My dad sent a box of my old stuff up in the trunk of the Saab, so I had a great trip down memory lane as I went through it.

The best parts?

Love letters, beautiful amazing love letters.
A manual I wrote when I was 11 outlining my meticulous grooming and feeding routine for my horse. This was my first exercise in information design, and something I referred to in my grad school application.
Old photos of me, one of which is a testament to how awkward being 14 in the late 80's was... bad fashion indeed. More on Flikr.

The Saab is Here

2005-06-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

Ain't she pretty?

Drama and Anti-Drama

2005-05-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

This is kinda funny given my recent post about dating: I seem to have found myself in the midst of a bit of a love triangle . There is a fourth person involved indirectly, so it may actually be a love quadrangle, but I'm not personally involved with her and it's complex enough as it is... so I'm sticking with the triangle metaphor.

I'm lucky in that I didn't bring any real baggage to the table. My role has been mostly as the catalyst, so I've been able to kind of hover above it and observe. There have been some surprising feelings hurt and some profound realizations for all parties. As I've watched and had my own reactions and feelings, I've found that:

People have a great capacity for deluding themselves and rationalizing things, especially with regard to matters of sex and the heart.
Honesty is so crucial in friendships and with lovers, even if it's hard to give and/or hear.
During my dating hiatus, it was easy to give shalls and shants out like candy when speaking with friends about their relationships in which I wasn't involved. But here I am, involved, and I'm realizing my moral compass is just that: a compass. The reality of human relations is much more nebulous than a set of codes can truly dictate.

Deep breath. I'm here for the journey, keeping it as real and conscious as I can.

Rumplestiltskin of the Dating World

2005-05-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a single woman. During a period of healing and growth in which my highest priority was sitting with myself and finding my path, I made a conscious decision not to date. This period ended up lasting about 3 years, and while I did have a lover or two during that time I wasn't interested in really involving myself with someone. Now that I am ready to date, it seems very hard to find people to do it with, and it seems to come down to age (in the broad sense). While I've taken this time to come into my own and work out some kinks without dragging someone else into it, I've gotten older and the things I value have taken on a different sheen. I don't think 31 is old, but in the dating world (and to most men my age) I guess 31 is downright geriatric.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit. Most of my male friends my age are married, engaged, or at least snugly coupled up, and I'm noticing a pattern: The women my guy friends are with are great women, but they're all 25. There are men my age who are unattached of course, and for various reasons. But the main ones I've encountered are either they're not emotionally mature enough to take that step, or they're still having too much fun playing the field to be interested in checking out a meaningful dating kinda thing. And the field they're playing, naturally, is much younger than I am and plays by rules I've grown out of. That said, I have also encountered men who are almost desperate to couple up, and who seem to want to take things way too fast.

This leaves me in a tough spot. I'm not really looking to get married yet, but I'm also not interested in fluff dating and I do want it to have an emotional component. I want a relationship to develop organically, that is, I want to date meaningfully, really check out the person I'm dating, and let it go where it will or won't go.

I feel a bit like Rumplestiltskin. I fell asleep to the dating world in my late 20's, woke up to it in my early 30's and found it to be a whole different world.

Happy Spam

2005-05-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Got this in my junk mail the other day... I think it's the best spam I've ever received!

-----Original Message-----
From: Neateye [mailto : nitaigouranga AT aol . com]
Sent: Tuesday, April 26, 2005 1:26 PM
To: (my email address)
Subject: Gouranga

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

Being the geek I am I of course did some research, and it appears to be some mysterious happy spam that's going around. Here is a post from someone else who received it; check out how many others commented that they'd received the same. Wikipedia has this.

Honestly, the only explanation that makes any sense to me is that it's some sort of viral marketing for Grand Theft Auto... But for today I'm going to tell logic to bag off and believe instead that there is some benevolent technohippie out there spamming love and happiness all over the world.

Freelancer ≠ Available All Day Long

2005-04-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ever since I started working at home my friends seem to think it's a free-for-all on my time. "Oh, Ariel's not really working... I can ask her to do ______" As much as I believe friendship is about helping one another, I don't feel like the fact that I'm at work like any other person is being respected. News flash people: If I take time off during the day I have to make up that time, and that often means working late into the night. I'm not getting a salary here. I have to bill hourly. So every time you call, every time you need a favor, every time you ASSume that I am available just because I don't have a boss looking over my shoulder, it costs me.

When I broach this subject with people, gently trying to create reasonable and meaningful boundaries so that I don't get as pissed off as I am now, I often get a response along the lines of, "Well it must be NICE to work at home all day, I wish I were that lucky." I know I know, I too was envious of freelancers before I started doing it myself, but I just wish I could make people understand that I do have to work while I'm "luxuriating" in my makeshift office on a kitchen table with poor ergonomics. Alone. All day. In a very small apartment.

So I am officially taking some steps to take my life back:

I will treat my day just like I'm at a j.o.b.: Unless the need is truly urgent, I can't take time off during the day.

I will not answer personal calls during the day. I will check my messages periodically, but may not return your call unless it's urgent.

I will not answer personal emails either, again, unless it's urgent.

There. I feel better. I know my apparent availability is partly my fault, hopefully taking these steps will cause a shift.

Rich Girl

2005-04-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

I pipsquawk all the time about how poor I am, how much it sucks to live hand-to-mouth, how depressing it is to have holes in my socks, how hard it is to always say no to all of the activities I'm invited to because the money it would cost to attend is needed for groceries...

I've already cultivated the art of reminding myself that I have a good life; that maybe I don't have hot clothes, but I provide perfectly well for myself and my cats.

Stuff like this helps:

I'm the 53,957,565th richest person on earth!

Discover how rich you are >>

I Crack Myself Up

2005-04-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

This is how anal I am
Originally uploaded by arielmeow.

As I was doing dishes today I looked over at the dishrack and noticed I'd placed the wet silverware "just so" in its little drying container.

The laughing at myself came when I realized that this is how I always arrange my silverware. This is how anal I am.

I Love Google Maps

2005-04-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've been tracking the evolution of Google Maps, and it just gets better and better. First it was satellite images keyed to the maps, now someone has figured out how to integrate the Chicago Transit Authority’s bus and El route map with Google Maps. WOW.

The only usability change I'd make is the ability to make the map image itself larger, like Yahoo Maps (below zoom navigation), but this is what I've wanted from the internet for a long, long time.

(There's also this, which integrates real estate listings from Craigslist with Google Maps. I'm more jazzed about the transit map, but someday when I'm looking for a house this might come in handy).

Need Perspective? Ask MetaFilter

2005-04-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

From Ask MetaFilter... a reader responds to a question about the transition that happens in your early 30's, something I've been doing a lot of thinking about. His (or her?) answer sums up something that's been on the tip of elucidation in my own mind. i'm so grateful when I find these things:

I can't remember the exact line, but there's a scene in Lost in Translation where Bill Murray's character more or less describes how you get out of it: you just slowly become more and more sure of who you are and what you want, and the energy that used to go into self-doubt and navel-gazing instead starts to get directed towards pursuing your dreams.

Now if only I could let go of the self-doubt part, because dreams, here I come.

Another one:

...I realized that I am on the net lots, and am exposed to so much information, and communicate with people whom seemingly know everything there is to know about anything. Look at the front page on any given day - a wide variety of stuff that you should already know about. I think it is natural to feel overwhelmed and inadequate.

The problem is there isn't [sic] enough hours in a week. It isn't possible to know it all. Everyday life is more important. Information and knowledge, though important, should not come first, IMHO.

This one I need to remember. I think I'm reducing my world to the size of a computer screen because I'm addicted to information.